Public vs. Private School: Part Dos

I need to first say: I love you all for the comments and insight and the honest conversation you opened up. The tone stayed earnest, candid, and open-minded with none of the vitriol and mean girls attitude that troll the Internets.

And I learned a lot in a short time. I wrote my post knowing I couldn't explain everything in one sitting but I could at least start a back and forth about something that is a) very important to me and to decisions we are going to make for little Emmy Stevie Wonder and b) is something that I really want to learn more about and see from different perspectives.

Who knew a blob could help me achieve that?

I'm still not firm on whether public or private school is the route we'll take. The second Emmy gets a slushee thrown on her cheerleading or badminton or chess uniform, I will Bing "how to homeschool your kid and not turn her into a social pariah." But until then, here's more of what I think, mixed in with your brilliance.

1. I'm not talking about any run-of-the-mill public school when I say "public school." I am talking about what my colleague Liza termed "private school lite." Cupertino, Mountain View, Palo Alto, Los Altos. They are public in name, but, let's be honest, exclusive in practice. Bougie and elitist? Yes. But at least they are bougie and elitist in a public school-technically-anyone-can-go-there-if-if-they-can afford-the-rent-or-mortgage-kind of way.

2. Why is that preferable to private school? I'm being idealistic here, I know, but there's part of me that thinks you're better served when you go to school with kids that might come from radically different backgrounds. And private schools seem to attract a more homogeneous crowd, even with the token brown kids who are there on scholarship and star in the admissions videos. Which I learned about in a conversation with one of those kids.

3. I know you're paying for it either way. Either you pay tons of cash and yearly property taxes for a house so you can go to private school lite, or you pay the 26K a year for private school. Blood is coming from that stone one way or another.

4. I definitely don't want to "make a social experiment out of my children by telling them 'pull up your boot-straps and go to public school'" because I did. Bill--you're right, I wouldn't send Emmy to the same public schools I went to either because they are in shambles now. But as long as there are good public schools out there, I will do my best to seek them out, live in their districts and give them a try. Because what's the alternative? Privatize everything? That would be awesome but even more unrealistic. Just look at merit-based teacher pay. Not happening.

5. KD's response: "with its high Chinese and Indian populations, Cupertino is not the diversity mecca you might think it is either. And have you seen the suicide rates for those high pressure schools on the peninsula? Who do you think is jumping in front of all those Caltrains? Just know that "nice" school technically are public schools, but they can be just as homogeneous as a private school."

I totally agree. I have also used the Caltrain argument many a time. I don't want to put Emmy in that kind of a pressure cooker. High school is supposed to actually be fun, people. It's not all 5.0 GPA's and piano practice. And those districts you mentioned--Campbell, San Mateo, Mountain View--thanks for your .02. It was worth at least a dollar.

6. "At the end of the day, Emmy will learn more from you, your husband, and the rest of your family than she will in (pre-college) school anyway. If she goes to public or private school, she will be equally as brilliant because she has a family who is actively involved in her education. THIS is what makes all the difference, in my opinion." This is from Kristin, a smart teacher who is in the trenches in Santa Cruz County. I trust her opinion.

7. Also from Kristin, about the reality in a lot of public schools: "I have seen that many teachers at this school and my district are forced to teach to the lowest common denominator. Students are ill-prepared for reasons that are out of their control. I've taught Kindergarten students who have come to school without ever having held a pencil prior to their first day in my class. I have also attempted to teach social studies to eighth graders who read at a second grade level. To try to extract meaning from writing when you can't read is a difficult hill to climb."

8. I think my biggest hangup comes from this: I'm lazy. I'm not a good teacher. I'm impatient. I want to trust in the system of public schools to teach Emmy the way my parents trusted in it to teach me. My friend Kiet sends his 1 year old and 4 year old to Montessori schools. His kids are awesome and smart and photogenic. Montessori school is expensive.

I'm like, Kiet, "You and I didn't have no fancy Montessori school. We're doing just peachy though, right?" But his response was, "But what if we did? Would we be more successful, would we have gone on to do bigger and better things if we had those resources?"

And folks, that's the million dollar question. Would I have been happier or richer or "better off" if I had gone to private school? Will Emmy?

I only know what I experienced as a public school kid, so the comments and perspectives that you've all shared are gratefully read and pondered on and continue to weigh on my mind.

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Here's what I learned from you about why private school is better. And so far, the overwhelming response has been that private school IS better. So Jeremy, you win.

1. Smaller class sizes.

2. More immunity to CA budget B.S.

3. Better access to elite colleges. Kelly said: "I have to say I got in to every college that I applied to and was recruited by even more, not because I'm super-smart but rather because I graduated from Mitty."

4. Teachers have more resources.

5. Higher "perceived" and "actual" parent involvement.

6. "Private school's advantage was the discipline it gave the students (respect, sharing, caring, sports), the rules (uniforms, attending class etc), and zero tolerance," a comment posted by "Ferris Bueller." I do like the uniforms and zero tolerance aspects of a private school.

7. From Sean on Facebook: "I'm a product of the Canadian public school system so i can't comment on the quality of U.S. public schools. However, the vast majority of my classmates at Harvard Law School were alums of elite private schools. Same for the folks i met at the Med school and the Business school, so play the odds."

You do know how much I want Emmy to go to Harvard. Crimson is such a pretty color on her.

But one thing you don't get if you go to private school: public school street cred. I may not be a lot of things. But I does have me that public school badge. And I wears it proudly.

Public vs. Private School

OK firestorm, let it be said I threw the first match.

Raise your hand if you went to public school, K-12. Woot! Me too.

Private school kids, what about you? Maybe you're too awesomely rad to be reading this blob.

I don't have anything against private schools or the kids that go to them or graduate from them. I know that in some cities, like San Francisco, parents really have no choice but to enroll their kids in private school. 

I'm not talkin' 'bout that. Nor does my argument apply to private colleges or universities.

But here's my assertion when it comes to public vs. private K-12. Yes, I'm getting all thesis on you.

Given all things being equal, with both schools having comparable API scores, dedicated teachers, good extracurricular offerings, I would rather have Emmy attend PUBLIC school than private school. 

It's a no-brainer. That's the American dream. I will take a public school that kicks ass over a private school any and every day of the year because that's what this country is supposed to be about. The idea that any kid, from any socio-economic class, can go to school, for FREE, and be enriched and educated, is what an ideal American public school is. And because America is the most diverse country in the world, there's no better place to learn. From books, and from your classmates. 

And guess what people, private school is BOUGIE! As in bourgeois. As in boo-jee. As in, rich, elite, homogenous, and NOT WHAT THE REAL WORLD IS LIKE. 

Unless you are Paris Hilton and then, yes, your world is totally bougie and you can attend all the private school you want because you don't ever need to really bother with bettering yourself or contributing to the world in any way because your wads of cash money will be enough to keep you occupied forever.

Generally speaking, private school means: your parents have mad cash, they are white, and you are not in want of much. Again, before you light your torches and come stomping into my village to set my hair on fire, I'm not talking about the struggling SF parents who eat Cup 'O Noodle so Johnny can go to a school that doesn't have metal detectors and gangs running the yard.

There's technically nothing *wrong* with growing up K-12 surrounded by equally rich, white, need-less people. 

But there's everything right and *better* with growing up K-12 surrounded by different people, and kids who come from different parts of the city, of the world, of the socio-economic spectrum.

Think about what private school kids are missing out on. They don't have poor friends. They don't have immigrant friends. They don't go to a slumber party and see 3 generations living under one roof. They don't try Sunday menudo at their buddy's house. And if you think, hell yeah, who wants that, I know a good private school for you to enroll your kid in. It's called Boo G Academy.

Sure you can send your kid to private school during the week and then take them to the soup kitchen on the weekend. They can do a little poverty tour on the "bad side of town" and get their Diversity 101 in when they watch Boyz N the Hood. 

But when you graduate into the real world, a good public school education prepares you so much better for how to navigate. The earlier you can appreciate and value and understand different perspectives and backgrounds and learn how to interact in that kind of American grown up real life setting, the better. 

I got into this debate with a co-worker who said he would rather send his kid to private school if he could. I was like, "Really? Even if all things were equal and the public school was in a good area with all the same academics and athletics?" Him: "Yep." His reason: "You want to give your kid every advantage in life."

But, and I'm totally biased because of my public school background, I don't think I know any private school kids that have blown me away with their smarts, their accomplishments, or their scrappiness. You don't really need to be all that if your parents have paid your way for the best in everything. It's just there.

And believe me, I want to give Emmy "every advantage in life." I would shoplift those advantages at gunpoint for her if I could because that's how much I want her to be successful and happy and awesome. Pretty much in that order.

I think a strong public school is the way to provide that. Isn't that why parents pay 2 million dollars for a bungalow in Palo Alto? 

Realistic

When someone says, "Be realistic," do you take that as a neutral statement or a negative one?

I mean, I know the intention can be neutral or even positive or encouraging, and God knows I have said the wrong thing MANY a time but my intentions were golden. So I'm all about considering someone's intentions and what they meant.

But intentions aside, when you say, "Let's be realistic," you are implying to some degree that the other person is not being realistic. And I am nothing if not realistic. If I entered a beauty pageant, my sash would say "Most Pragmatic." I think I'm pretty down to earth and practical and in touch with reality. I am definitely really real when it comes to my views on the world and the way things should be and the way they are.

So when I hear, "But you should be realistic," I get a little bristly. Like, I AM REALISTIC. I've been REALISTIC every day of my life. Can I get a little hopey changey up in here?  

50 Vickys

We take long weekend walks with Emmy and the dogs. It's our time to chat and catch up because the weeks are a total blur of "Hey I can't talk, I'm jamming out a package."

And "Ring ring ring. Hi, I'm not here right now..." *Later* "Vicky, I was putting in an epidural when you called. Your timing is impeccable." Only he doesn't use the word impeccable.

So during a recent walk I was asking The Good Doctor about the likelihood of me getting something that would make me crap my pants. My exact words were, "If I get this, I will crap my pants and you will clean it up." And he said, "OK."

That, my friends, is the bond forged by 16 years of being together. But seriously, this is something I want like Spice Girls "wanna really really really wanna zigazig ha." And I'm always asking him what he thinks my chances are. Mostly slim but I like numbers and analysis and scenarios.

He started to respond to my query about percentiles and possibilities with "50--" and stopped short because suddenly Tofu was eating squirrel poop, also known as Brown Tic Tacs, and Romeo was barking his fool head off at an old lady with a cane, and Emmy dropped her sunglasses. So a block later after we got The Crazy Parade back on track, I said, "You left off at '50.' You were saying you think I'm '50' something..."

And he totally ignored my previous question about percentiles and likelihoods of achieving my Dream It Do It moment and just added "Vickys" to the sentence. So he turned my question into his own Dream It Do It life.

"50 Vickys."

"There'd be Morning Vicky, who gets up early and enjoys being awake and doesn't have Mean Eyes."

"There'd be Afternoon Vicky, who is alert and perky and not napping for 2 hours on the couch."

"There'd be Breakfast, Lunch, and Dinner Vickys to cook each meal."

"Bedroom Vicky...definitely Bedroom Vicky." (Other things were said but shall not be repeated for fear of mentally scarring family and friends who only come here to see photos and read updates on Emmy.) 

"Then I need Mama Vicky, to actually 'take care' of Emmy. We need like, three of those."

"Gym Vicky can go work out all the time. But Gym Vicky will be so much more in shape than me."

"And definitely Talking Vicky, so that when the other Vickys need to get caught up, Talking Vicky can go off with them. I might need two Talking Vickys."

"We could have Shopping Vicky who goes to the mall."

"I also want Walking Vicky, so we can go on lots of walks whenever I want."

"For sure Listening Vicky. She would pay attention to my stories and ask thoughtful questions."

"Working Vicky. She just goes to work and does work stuff, obviously."

"Big Ideas Vicky. So when the other Vickys get restless, Big Ideas Vicky can talk about all the stuff they should focus on next."

"Nice Vicky. She would just be. Nice. Like, all the time."

"Oh God, definitely Blogging Vicky. So annoying. She can just stay in a room with a laptop. I would never open the door except when Breakfast, Lunch or Dinner Vicky cooked her something."

"Photographer Vicky and Videographer Vicky so they can take pictures and make movies and not blame me for things growing out of their heads." 

"I also need "Drawer Closing Vicky. But she was discontinued so I'd have to find a used one on craigslist."

"I want a Games Vicky too. Who likes to play all kinds of games with me."

"Quiet Vicky would be good for night-time. Just quiet and calm, not grabbing my buns every night when I'm trying to sleep."

"Bathroom Cleaning Vicky. That's the rarest one of all." 

Some men fantasize about threesomes. Mine wants something much more practical.