Tofu's Not F***ing Matt Damon
Tofu has habits. One of them is jumping onto our bed on lazy mornings when we're both kind of stirring but not fully awake. When our reflexes are still groggy and our hands are clumsy and weakly shaking off the weight of slumber.
She takes full advantage of the humans in their morning stupor. And she particularly likes to pounce pounce POUNCE onto The Good Doctor's face, following it up with a full saliva facial to complete her wake up protocol. She can not NOT start the weekend without this important ritual. Something in her apricot sized brain signals to her tongue that it must shoot in and out at least 99 times, making some contact with human epidermis, preferably near the eyes, nose and extra points for the mouth area. DOUBLE points for connecting with human teeth and/or tongue.
She prefers The Good Doctor's sweet white milky skin, to which I happily oblige and encourage her with commands such as, "Get 'im Tofu!" and "Where is it? Where is it Tofu?" and "Yesssss! Good girl! Go Tofu, GO!" Positive reinforcement really works on dogs. She gets PUMPED!
Anyway, The Good Doctor was insisting I do some menial chore that he wanted no part in, oh yes, it was calling to re-send a restaurant gift certificate. It involved dialing a phone, speaking to a person, and making a request. Simply ghastly, I know. I kept telling him no, it was his job and I wasn't going to do it, knowing full well I would totally do it and wouldn't even mind a bit but still hadn't calculated what I was going to request in return for this 'favor.'
In the middle of my ruminations, I caught a glimpse of Tofu, who was staring at The Good Doctor's face, tiny synapses firing in her apricot brain directing her to the next lickable target, and it just came to me.
Tofu fucking looks like Matt Damon.