Number 9

Does anyone know an Asian glamazon model about 5'11" who was modeling on Saturday at Neiman Marcus in Palo Alto?

I'm putting out an APB for this super tall beautiful Asian lady who had the nerve to stop and admire my baby. Can you believe some people?

My tale starts on the first floor. We were there to look for a nice hat for my mom, and one of these amazing tutus for Emmy to wear to her birthday party. It's a major splurge but since White Grandma and our friends and relatives supply pretty much all of Emmy's wardrobe, we figured we could go for some extra flair on her big day.

Anyway, we're on the first floor and The Good Doctor goes, "Check her out--in the purple." And I glance over to see Glamazon wearing a lavender skirt suit walking around with another lady, who turns out to be her handler or something. I'm like, "Yeah, she's pretty." The backstory--The Good Doc and I have an unspoken pact that we will point out people we think are good looking. Then we can stare at them all we want because we've already admitted to the other person that we think this person is HOT.

Hotness acknowledged, with my murmured comment of, "She's tall for an Asian," we move onto the 3rd floor, kids' apparel. No tutus fit Emmy, but happily, I find them, on sale, at Zappos.com. Score! Free shipping and the adorableness will be here in 1 business day. 

As we descend onto the second floor, I beeline it for some Diane von Furstenberg dresses on sale, but at "Needless Markup," the sales are still too pricey for Vicky McFrugal. Still, I'm just scanning the wares when I hear, "Awwww! She waved at me!" And I look up and see Emmy smiling and waving at some lady who just got off the escalator. I smile and keep looking at the wrap dresses, when I hear, in a deep Glamazon voice, "Just look at that pink leopard outfit, so coordinated." I'm like, "Is that who I think it is?" And sure enough, there she is, wearing a one-shoulder couture dress, cooing at my baby. Lucky us, we were at Neiman's the day gorgeous models were roaming the floors showing off the latest Armani collection.

Ghetto Vicky's like, "Oh HELL NAW!" And I casually lug my giant hat box over to where The Good Doctor is now surrounded by 3 women all waving and clapping their hands at Emmy. And he's like, "Oh and her outfit has this little hood too." "Awwww!" It's like a live Emmy infomercial and The Good Doctor is showing off our baby like "Look, she dices and slices and chops. BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE!"

So then I join the convo, like, 'Ahem, Mommy here. This is MY adorable offspring. Back off. Mama Lion has arrived. I don't care if you're a foot taller than me and drop dead gorgeous.' I clear my throat, "Yes she IS cute isn't she? She's a very fast learner." Crickets. All eyes are still on Emmy and her strapping young dad, the whole "guy + baby = super cute" aura in full effect. Then Glamazon goes, "Such good motor skills." Who says that? Motor skills? And then we all politely carry on with our business, Emmy graciously waving goodbye. Glamazon and her handler continue strolling the store. Since when do models talk anyway? Aren't they just supposed to strut and ooze glamour and let the clothes speak for themselves?

We head out and I hear The Good Doctor joking with Emmy, "Good girl Emmy! Nice job!" And I'm shaking my head because I know, Mister, you got another thing coming.

I mean, I will admit I have a jealous and possessive streak. Definitely. Maybe it's the only child thing, maybe it's being a Leo, maybe it's just a character flaw. But I don't like when people mess with me, my stuff, or my people. I just don't. And my definition of 'mess with' has matured over time, and I'm not all irrational and hormonal like I was back in the day. But The Good Doctor definitely falls into the category of "my people." And I don't like super tall Glamazons making eyes at him. WHICH SHE DEFINITELY WAS and NO, I'M NOT OVER-REACTING. I have a good sixth sense about these things. She never made eye contact with me, the way normal people do when they admire your baby. She was all heart shaped eyes for The Good Doctor.

And I know tall girls like tall guys. And they especially do NOT like when tall guys are with short girls. It's like really upsetting because we've taken a perfectly good tall guy out of the pond needlessly when we could've just gone with a 5'7" dude or something. Plus when they're cute and smart, it's triply aggravating. Who knows what would've happened had Glamazon known The Good Doctor is also a real live doctor too? She might have flung herself at him right then and there next to the 2nd floor escalator. Yes, I'm being dramatic. 

So later when I was re-living the moment with The Good Doctor, I wanted him to rate her on a scale of 1-10. Because here's the thing, he is SO not that guy. He very rarely says, hey look at that chick. It's usually me going, that guy is HOT! So I was relishing the fact that we saw a very beautiful model chick, who was totally fawning over our baby and saying things like "motor skills" as if she were a kinesiology major. After MUCH prodding, he relented, "She's one of the more pretty people I've ever seen in person." Just give me a freaking number Good Doctor. FINALLY, and I mean like an hour later after we've had dinner and talked about other stuff and walked the dog, when I bring it up for the 11th time, he's like, "I don't know, a 9?" 

SCREEEEEECH. Record scratchy scratch scratch. 9? That is like the highest number EVER that I have ever heard him rate any man, woman or child. Little did I know my tutu hat search would be so game-changing.

So now I'm on the hunt for Number 9. Maybe she has 13 toes. That has to drop her rating to a more manageable 8.