Things That Would Happen in a Dream World*
*Aside from peace and goodwill and chocolate on demand.
1. You would say, "An on camera interview? No problem! Why don't you just come meet me at my house. Oh no, no worries at all. 9pm isn't too late. Let me throw on a jacket."
Not: "Today? Oh, no no no. I can't possibly. It's 5pm and I have to go to my dissertation meeting at a coffee shop. I will be there all night. No, I can't spare 5 minutes, not even if you meet me there and ask me 3 questions. Besides, I have hat hair."
2. You would say, "And that comes with a complimentary side of sweet potato waffle fries!"
Not: "Sorry, our milkshake machine just broke after that party of 12 ordered 10 milkshakes."
3. You would go right to sleep for your daytime naps.
Not: pull yourself up on your crib and bounce around like an angry chimpanzee while screaming as though a Singaporean prison superintendent is caning your bottom.
4. You would say, "No, we got this one. You guys got the last one, and the one before that, and before that. And before that."
5. You would blog correctly about what's happening at my station. Two reporters and two photogs have volunteered to one man band.
Not: "Universal VJ implementation is in effect at NBC Bay Area."
6. I would make what Ronn Owens reportedly makes.
7. We would be hand-picked to join The Amazing Race and we would win every leg, including the last one. Without gouging each other's eyes out.
Not: Watch it on DVR in 10 minute increments between feeding Emmy and waiting for Tofu to circle 17 times before peeing and stacking dishes and clipping my toenails.
8. Our audio would not be wonky on a Meg Whitman package that we 'rawwwwwwwwked' at the last minute after her handlers changed their minds and decided to allow her Ebay Highness to speak in front of TV cameras. For the love of Pez dispensers, the woman managed 15 thousand employees and oversaw an 8 billion dollar budget. She can handle a few questions from me and my peeps. Especially after surviving Carla Marinucci and Joe Garofoli and the guy from the LA Times. Now he was INTENSE.
9. Mail would sort, file, shred and respond to itself.
Not: Convalesce in corners of my house walled off by angry dust bunnies.
10. Toilets. Would. Never. Clog.