Three Musketeers

Remember those kids you wanted to be exactly like?

Thanks to Facebook I re-connected with one of them. She was my almost best friend from elementary school. The whole 'almost best friend' thing could easily be another post about how I always seemed to be the third wheel with a lot of my close friends. Like in the circle but not the inner circle, if you know what I mean. A therapist could probably tell me how that has shaped my life to this point but instead of spending good money on a professional, I have a chihuahua and min pin. 

So this lovely girl who I wanted to be JUST LIKE, right down to her bitten finger nails and Polynesian brown sugar skin, whose Mom always knew exactly what the cool presents were and who made the awesomest Christmas cookies and Tyson's chicken nuggets, now also lives in the Bay Area and recently had a second baby.

She and I re-bonded over my posts about the agony of breastfeeding and the insanity that is pushing a baby out of your lady flower and then having to nourish it with your rock hard fun bags. And oddly enough, her family also has a tradition of Christmustaches. And when we friended each other on Facebook, we both had profile pics of us, smiling with our mouths open holding our babies who also had open mouth smiles. Like, totally weird!

I asked her to write and tell me how things were on the other side of Baby #2 when she could finally come up for air. Especially because I wanted to know if I should searching for a good wet nurse now.

That day came. Here's some excerpts from her note:

"I had him naturally...and I spent longer in triage than in the actual delivery room. There was a moment when I went from 6 centimeters to 10 (in about 5 minutes) when I thought I might die but I could not even speak to ask for pain killers. I didn't even actually see the doctor's face until after the baby was born because I was in so much pain. Great huh? And the nursing...yes my nipples bled and [he] was actually sh***** bloody poop from it. It is still painful and horrible the second time around...but only for about 3 weeks. Also, great.

"Okay but here's the part for some reason I know YOU will really enjoy. When I went to the doc for my postpartum check up all was well and then I remembered to ask her about this weird bump I could feel and not see on the left side of my body at the base of my ribs. It's the size of a small pea and it appeared when I was pregnant with [my first baby] then went away. Then with my second pregnancy it came back. I didn't think it was anything alarming...I was just curious as to what it was. Without hesitation she said, "Oh, that's a nipple". All doctor like as if it was no big deal!!! I said, "A nipple!!

"And she said, "Yes", very calmly. Then she explained to me that we have evolved and some people even have third nipples that lactate. LACTATE!! Can you believe that???"

No. No [friend from elementary school who I wanted to be just like] I CAN NOT. I have read about such things in my 8th grade health science books but I never knew PREGNANCY COULD SPAWN A THIRD NIPPLE. 

And even that part I can pretty much wrap my mind around. When you have had to reach down and touch the hair that is on the head of another human who is trying to exit your body, you can wrap your mind around a lot of things.

But the part I CAN'T GET OVER is that a THIRD NIPPLE guest starring on my body could actually MAKE MILK.

That's like an unwelcome house guest who shows up with a pan of homemade lasagna and a side of garlic parmesan twists. And who does chores.

A third nipple. If that happens to me on the next go 'round, all I gotsta say is: that third Musketeer best make some darn milk.