50 Vickys

We take long weekend walks with Emmy and the dogs. It's our time to chat and catch up because the weeks are a total blur of "Hey I can't talk, I'm jamming out a package."

And "Ring ring ring. Hi, I'm not here right now..." *Later* "Vicky, I was putting in an epidural when you called. Your timing is impeccable." Only he doesn't use the word impeccable.

So during a recent walk I was asking The Good Doctor about the likelihood of me getting something that would make me crap my pants. My exact words were, "If I get this, I will crap my pants and you will clean it up." And he said, "OK."

That, my friends, is the bond forged by 16 years of being together. But seriously, this is something I want like Spice Girls "wanna really really really wanna zigazig ha." And I'm always asking him what he thinks my chances are. Mostly slim but I like numbers and analysis and scenarios.

He started to respond to my query about percentiles and possibilities with "50--" and stopped short because suddenly Tofu was eating squirrel poop, also known as Brown Tic Tacs, and Romeo was barking his fool head off at an old lady with a cane, and Emmy dropped her sunglasses. So a block later after we got The Crazy Parade back on track, I said, "You left off at '50.' You were saying you think I'm '50' something..."

And he totally ignored my previous question about percentiles and likelihoods of achieving my Dream It Do It moment and just added "Vickys" to the sentence. So he turned my question into his own Dream It Do It life.

"50 Vickys."

"There'd be Morning Vicky, who gets up early and enjoys being awake and doesn't have Mean Eyes."

"There'd be Afternoon Vicky, who is alert and perky and not napping for 2 hours on the couch."

"There'd be Breakfast, Lunch, and Dinner Vickys to cook each meal."

"Bedroom Vicky...definitely Bedroom Vicky." (Other things were said but shall not be repeated for fear of mentally scarring family and friends who only come here to see photos and read updates on Emmy.) 

"Then I need Mama Vicky, to actually 'take care' of Emmy. We need like, three of those."

"Gym Vicky can go work out all the time. But Gym Vicky will be so much more in shape than me."

"And definitely Talking Vicky, so that when the other Vickys need to get caught up, Talking Vicky can go off with them. I might need two Talking Vickys."

"We could have Shopping Vicky who goes to the mall."

"I also want Walking Vicky, so we can go on lots of walks whenever I want."

"For sure Listening Vicky. She would pay attention to my stories and ask thoughtful questions."

"Working Vicky. She just goes to work and does work stuff, obviously."

"Big Ideas Vicky. So when the other Vickys get restless, Big Ideas Vicky can talk about all the stuff they should focus on next."

"Nice Vicky. She would just be. Nice. Like, all the time."

"Oh God, definitely Blogging Vicky. So annoying. She can just stay in a room with a laptop. I would never open the door except when Breakfast, Lunch or Dinner Vicky cooked her something."

"Photographer Vicky and Videographer Vicky so they can take pictures and make movies and not blame me for things growing out of their heads." 

"I also need "Drawer Closing Vicky. But she was discontinued so I'd have to find a used one on craigslist."

"I want a Games Vicky too. Who likes to play all kinds of games with me."

"Quiet Vicky would be good for night-time. Just quiet and calm, not grabbing my buns every night when I'm trying to sleep."

"Bathroom Cleaning Vicky. That's the rarest one of all." 

Some men fantasize about threesomes. Mine wants something much more practical.