Things That Indicate Your Husband Is Too Big For You

Don't even go there.

1. He can render you immobile by holding BOTH of your wrists behind your back with one hand. His left hand, the weaker one.

2. You wear high heeled tennis shoes. 

3. He is 16 inches taller than you. 

4. He weighs more than twice your weight.

5. Your shoes fit inside his shoes.

6. His bellybutton fuzz looks like it came out of the dryer lint screen.

7. You will never be able to go on Dancing with the Stars in a green dress because you'd look like Sprout next to the Jolly Green Giant.

8. You can't kiss him on the lips unless he is sitting/agrees to lean down.

9. You never have your own leg space when sitting next to him on an airplane/at the movies/in the back of a car/anywhere.

10. You can only give him a piggyback ride during competition. And only for a distance of 10-15 feet.

11. You can not lift him straight up, no matter how good a grip you get around his thighs.

12. His shirts + belt + tights + boots = outfit you can actually wear in public.

13. Your neck goes into spasms if you slow dance and try to look into his eyes. 

14. It takes more than a minute to adjust the power seat when you drive his car. Vrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

15. Borrowing his socks is out of the question.

16. He blames "surface size" that is double yours for the inordinate amount of time it takes him to dry off after a shower. Rome was built faster.

17. Tall women hate your guts.

18. He can take you trick or treating

19. You learn to love the smell of his armpits. But actually, in my case, his armpits really do smell good.

20. The OB-Gyn takes one look at the both of you after you've been pushing for 2 hours, nods sympathetically, and says she'll be back in half an hour to do the C-section. Thankfully, you may be small but you overachieve to make up for it, so you push the baby out yourself.