Skinny Bitch

Can I say that? They allow people to say that on TV and radio nowadays. Along with ass. The FCC crazy.

In any case, it's my new nickname for The Good Doctor. In anticipation of our trip to the Big Island, he decided, for the first time in his LIFE, to pay attention to what he ate, namely, carbs.

He up and quit his favorite food in the world: Bread. And he cut out all of Bread's perfectly innocent and wonderful relatives: uncle Rice, aunt Cracker, cousin Chip, other cousin Cupcake, sister Sugar, and everyone's favorite nephew: Chocolate. The list of carb laden edibles that made up easily 70% of his daily intake of calories was immediately gone. He went from American eater with a penchant for Ritz to manorexic Atkins carb shunning divo. He joined the Cult of Protein and Fiber.

I knew something was not right when he quoted Kate Moss in a completely serious voice before plunging into a meal of salmon and lettuce. It scared me to see him actually perk up and go, "There's a pillow?" when I said I would get him this. That's when I knew he had turned.

The Skinny Bitch is down 15 pounds and back into all sorts of clothes that had been plunged into the depths of his musty drawers. Thank God for his and hers closets; the person woman who came up with that was a #genius. Let's just say, I'm enthralled by the resurrection of his camo shorts. And hey look! He can do squats in them too and they still fit just right!

It's annoying to call your husband what he should be calling you. But not as annoying as watching him eat chicken breast and asparagus meal after meal while you're having sensible portions of a wide variety of foods. Or hearing him say, "How many carb grams? 15? No way!" Or, "Get that out of my face! What are you trying to do? Poison me?" when I so much as try to shove 7 chocolate raisins into his mouth when he's least expecting it.

It's actually torturous for me to watch him pretend to accept a birthday cupcake (something he loved to eat) and hand it off to a little kid, or to sit down at Cheesecake Factory and have him stare at me chowing on 2 pieces of buttered brown bread followed by a thick sourdough slice chaser. The best part of the meal was when the runner tried to put down the Cobb salad in front of me and I had to say, "Actually, I ordered the Glamburger," a ginormous and crazy delicious burger with mushrooms and swiss and a side of fries.

But the pounds have fallen away, and he promises to return to a normal eating pattern soon. Until then, more Sriracha Lay's for me.

In the meantime, now that he's no longer curled up in the fetal position complaining about how "carb withdrawal headaches are real," I will take solace in his growing resemblance to the hottest man in the world, with the added bonus he can reach high shelves.

Now if I can get him into a mankini, I could totally get used to living with this Skinny B.